Posted on by Julie Deziel · 1 Comment

Wallflower

This picture was taken this fall on a peaceful walk around our yard and I took some time on the dock and this is what I was privy to see. The wind was not blowing and there were a few ducks making ripples nearby and a few seagulls finding summer. I did not need to be have someone with me to show me through the beauty or experience it with me. I did not have to share the beauty with another soul. It was a moment of silence in which I was simply regenerating my soul.

I grew up being “that” girl that was laughed at because she turned beet red when she was asked a question in school or had to give a presentation in front of a group. It would send me into an anxiety-ridden panic for days if I knew it was coming up. If I could silently fade into the walls i would have done it in a heartbeat. The thought of being a wallflower was welcomed by my psyche.

Push through to being a mother and grandmother and being in a job as a 911 dispatcher; needing a type A personality no doubt. The shyness within me is hidden behind a few masks or two. I have no choice but to talk at work. Often times I talk nearly 10 hours straight; 10 HOURS straight. Many times it is to people I do not even know but need my help. It is not normal talking. It is stressful talking. Then comes those few moments of silence and someone wants to speak. Many can understand. But the shy, quiet, introvert wants to live inside herself for awhile…to try to remain alive. Silence my ears.

Recently I was told that I appear to come off cold or chilly at times. I need to work on making eye contact with another. This person does not understand silence. They do not understand another’s need for live-sustaining quiet. At the drop of a hat we go from 0-100mph and the peace prepares the mind and soul for what is to come. When did it become a bad thing to just need a little down time with thoughts and quiet without it being that something is wrong? I am 56 years of age and now have to change who I am or do I? Is it so bad to be me in the end?

“Solitude is for me a fount of healing which makes my life worth living. Talking is often a torment for me, and I need many days of silence to recover from the futility of words.”

~Carl Jung

Posted on by Julie Deziel

Silent Night

Ten years ago December 24 we gathered at our home following a cantata I directed at a local church. The house was filled with most of our children, my parents, my brother and a sister, significant others, nieces and nephews, and 2 grandchildren. You get the picture. It was certainly a little crazy with the house filled with much laughter and conversation. Wrapping paper strewn all over the floor and kids anticipating their next present with glee.

Move forward five years and the Christmas tradition continues at my home but looks so much different. My sisters and brother have taken their children and created their own traditions. My mother is no longer alive to celebrate one of her favorite holidays. Mike and I have added to the number of our grandchildren which now totals five. Our children have brought their significant others into our fold. Our celebration remains loud. My heart is content with the noise and chaos.

As the years have moved on we have been blessed with more grandchildren and seen our children bring new love into their lives and seen them lose in the love game. We are aging gracefully and with that we see our children doing the same within their families. They are taking on new traditions and the need to ensure that all sides of families receive time with grandparents, aunts and uncles or whoever it may be. So the silence is beginning to creep into our home more and more each year.

Silence is golden they say…but we are not yet in our “golden” years I hope?! So for now I willing or unwillingly have to find my way through the quiet of the holiday and a small gathering here and there of some family and experience the giggles of a small child opening a gift and soak in their little eyes glistening with anticipation and remember a Christmas not so long ago when the bright colored Christmas paper covered the floor and us as adults could not carry on a conversation due to the excited children playing with their newly acquired gifts.

Silent night, holy night. All is bright, all is calm…I guess I was not quite ready for the calm and silence quite so soon.