Posted on by Julie Deziel

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Joni Mitchell sings “Rows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air, and feather canyons everywhere. I looked at clouds that way.” I am not a fan of Joni’s music, I will immediateIy change the channel for I am one that needs the right song for the moment I am in. The other day though, I saw the YouTube video of this song with Joni singing mind you at age 78 and having to relearn so much following a brain aneurism a few years back, “Both Sides Now” at a Rhode Island Folk fest just this year. It brought me straight to tears.

Who as a child did not lay on their backs in the cool grass on a warm summer day and look for characters in the clouds; might it be a dog, a person laughing. Dreams are spoken and wishes held tight while looking. Just as fast as the clouds can change the illusions in the sky they can become just plain ugly. They bring the rain, the snow and a darker day.

Two years ago today I was in the throes of grief through losing a father, grandfather, my husband’s brother and my husband’s sister’s significant other in a years time. The cloud cover was heavy like the weight of a large quilt. It was almost comforting to lay under that blanket and the darkness of the clouds. As each death descended upon us it was much more comforting to just lay there with no break in the clouds. Little did we know one of the hardest deaths was very near. With little time to truly grieve, our daughter’s husband peacefully passed away in his sleep. Overwhelming, incredibly sad, stunning, leave you breathless and extremely painful. You grieve for the son lost, your grandchild’s realization daddy is gone forever and he will never know him as we did. The most difficult though was watching my own child grieve, hurt, in despair and not being able to make any of it better. The quilt never felt as heavy as it did that night, the next week…for months and now nearly two years. My child was simply sad and there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix it. Grief hung on my shoulders like a shawl. I could only walk through her cues as she began to heal but we know that can be an indeterminate period of time but it seemed like the clouds simply were ever in the way.

The picture attached is one from a race night and while sitting at my son’s pit spot about a week after my son-in- law‘s death I found absolute beauty in the clouds. I saw love, peace and a feeling of “this will be better one day.” Having been consumed with all the sadness and grief I thought I could never pull out from under I found that time allows us to grow into the new normal and that there is love before death and loss but also the same after. Just like the clouds can be ever changing so is life. I still find there are days that I need to throw the quilt off and allow the clouds to break. As Joni sings, “I’ve looked at life from both sides now. From win and lose and still somehow it’s life’s illusions I recall. I really don’t know life. I really don’t know life at all.” Just that life is difficult, with loss but the sun will peek through the clouds when they are darkest. That’s what I know about life.

Feel free to embrace Joni Mitchell in her reprisal to singing and giving truly giving us a gift in her song, “Both asides Now.”

https://youtu.be/4aqGjaFDTxQ
Posted on by Julie Deziel

Always Our Hero

What is the definition of a hero? Merriam-Webster has a few of them. One is a “person admired for achievements and noble qualities.” Geoff would fall into this category. All his years as a firefighter automatically put him into that category which he entered into in his teens and would often practice with his cousin Tommy. Tommy reflected on these moments at the funeral. “I always thought it was the coolest thing to be saved by my own cousin time and time again. He was my own superhero.” From Burlington Northern Santa Fe all the way to the Senate floor he was a hero during the train derailment near Casselton, ND in 2013. To me though he was more than a hero, he was a son.

August 12, 2020. 365 days ago. 8760 hours ago. 525,600 seconds ago when my phone rang as my husband and I had settled on the couch for the evening. It was my daughter and she told me, “Geoff’s dead.” Only my straight-to-the-point Adair would lay it out that way. In the nano-second following I thought, “What did Geoff do to piss her off?” But it was nothing that Geoff did to upset her. Our Geoff was gone for real. I was up off that couch and saying we had to go to Adair. I made it to the dining room and I literally fell to the floor in utter shock, horror, loss, disbelief, and heart-breaking pain for my baby girl and grandson. I could not get up from the floor, Mike literally had to pick me up off the floor. “This is not happening. This is a dream. Please wake me up from this gut-wrenching pain I am feeling for all three of them.”

Just eight days prior I sat in their backyard and we visited for hours in which we figured out all of life’s problems, gossiped and watched what we at the time believed to be real dead birds hanging from the water tower (which we found out later they were not real) and of course Isak provided much entertainment. The days that followed Geoff’s death showed me a community filled with love for their friend, their family member, their co-worker, their hero and planning the most appropriate celebration of life they felt he deserved. I also saw those same people project so much love on Geoff’s favorite little guy and surround the love of his life with strength, love and a ton of food. The visitation and service that was put together was beautiful. They knocked it out of the park…literally! It was held at the baseball diamonds on a summer day filled with much sun and love. They honored their hero well.

I can see the hero everyone else sees but Geoff is my hero for a different reason. There is another definition for hero that to me fits him to a tee; an object of extreme admiration and devotion. Geoff loved my daughter with all he had. He gave his all to his little family and provided for them. He was her biggest supporter and together they could weather any storm. He fits that definition in the way he admired what they had and the devotion he had to their love and relationship. The love they shared was one-in-a-million and I was blessed to have him as a son-in-law, although I kept him in my heart as one as my own.

It is difficult to understand why things happen the way they do. I believe we all would agree there is no way Geoff would have chosen this journey for his Adair and Isak but he would be incredibly proud of the strength she has had over the last year and will walk with her through her life. We most definitely know he is watching his buddy grow into the goofy, compassionate, friendly mama’s big boy (he will tell you he’s not a baby) who looks like him more and more every day. The only answer I can give myself is that heaven must have needed a hero and although we wish Geoff was not the one picked we know they got the best. As the song by JoDee Messina (attached to this post) goes, “I guess Heaven was needing a hero. Somebody just like you, Brave enough to stand up for what you believe and follow it through. When I try to make it make sense in my mind the only conclusion I come to is that Heaven was needing a hero like you.”

Posted on by Julie Deziel

The Silence is Deafening

There is no denying that a train makes a statement. With its large lumbering engines blowing their horns at every intersection to the rumbling of the ground as they pass by at 60 miles per hour as we sit on the roadway and wait for each of the train cars to make it through and we can continue on with our day. For many it is an opportunity to check their social media pages or make a phone call or another to touch up their makeup or just to simply get lost in thought. Even though it is so loud and annoying to me personally…that silence is deafening.

I have written before about my son-in-law who we lost six months ago to an undetected heart condition. We are still reeling over that tragedy. Having worked in the EMS world I know that tragedy happens and it is definitely not choosy. My youngest son and I experienced a terrible car accident years ago and I remember the look of my children and family when I was able to see them and the fear in their eyes. I do not wish that on anyone. As I have walked with an officer to deliver the news to a young mother her husband will not return home, I wish none of our officers ever had to knock on that door and see the absolute horror in a parent’s face as they know what is coming.

As I put another year as a 911 dispatcher behind me…23 years actually, a scenario that just seemed unimaginable recently occurred at the end of a long shift. I experienced a 911 call that was eerily similar to my son-in- law’s situation. There is no training for this type of situation. During the most devastating moment of the caller’s life all I could do was think of my daughter having to make that exact same call. As I walked through the information I needed I wanted to assure them they were not alone just as I prayed my daughter did not feel. As they waited for help to come and the caller and I worked together I am most certain was a lifetime for an “actual person” to get there. Even though I was “with them”, I can only think they felt a crippling silence from their most loved. When ambulance and law enforcement arrived I was able to disconnect and even though there were two other dispatchers in the room all I heard was a deafening silence.

As the words from Disturbed’s “Prayer” sing out, “Another dream that will never come true just to compliment your sorrow. Another life that I’ve taken from you, a gift to add on to your pain and suffering. Another truth you can never believe has crippled you completely. All the cries you’re beginning to hear trapped in your mind, and the sound is deafening.” This is the life of a 911 dispatcher. You carry the sounds, the sorrow, the horror and they find you in the silence and it can most deafening in those moments. I do not wish that on another soul. I think about the dispatcher that took my daughter’s call often. I am so sad she had to comfort my daughter on the worst day of her life at the moment I would have given anything to have stood in for her.

I will continue to watch the trains go by and hope for a glimpse of a baseball cap and sunglasses and a smiling Geoff riding along with his buddies and silently remember all those lives I have been a part of through a loud siren ringing telephone when it pierced the silence of the dispatch center.

Posted on by Julie Deziel

The Window

“The soul can speak through the eyes,
and kiss with a look.”

-Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer-

A simple edited picture of me. When I first looked at it I thought it was a rather cool picture and my eyes really stood out. But I looked a little deeper into them and they spoke volumes to me. I would believe that many have heard the saying “eyes are the window to the soul.” I have learned in life that the soul is what leaves our body when we die but is also the spirit and essence of a person and is composed by all the mental abilities: reason, character, feeling, memory, perception and thinking. It is a book of who we are physically and spiritually.

When I was younger as we drove along the neighborhood streets I loved to imagine beyond the windows of a home in the evening picturing the lives of those inside. Do they live the Beaver Cleaver world? Do they have every toy and electronic under the Christmas tree to ensure that Santa requests were fulfilled. I still ponder the lives on a quiet drive through a neighborhood thinking who is there and what secrets are hidden behind their windows. Is there financial struggle or is their a lonely spouse following the loss of their beloved spouse through death. If we could take a walk up to the window to see further inside we could understand the narrative of their lives.

We each have a story no doubt. We are born and grow up and go through school with some being a jock and popular and some, like me, a wallflower who centered on music. My narration follows that same path throughout my adult life. I have remained the quiet and shy gal who loves with her whole heart those who I have let into my life. Through EMS work I have seen the joy of life entering life and seen the sadness of life leave a body. I have seen horrific scenes that are imprinted within my memory bank. As I progressed into 911 dispatching I no longer have to “see” but now “hear” the scenes, the horror of family discord, the devastating sadness of the realization that one’s loved one will no longer look at them, speak to them or spend another moment with them. Each one lays within my soul and travels with me along the highways and byways of my life. Be it a friend or a tragedy that encompass a memory of what is held inside they each are seen in my eye; my truth, my emotions, my fear, my happiness, my intensity, and my sorrow.

We as a family have traveled the grief road over the past year and a half in losing five family members but especially in the last five months our eyes hurt, our eyes are tired. My soul is exhausted and torn. Strength and faith are shook to their core and there is an overwhelming feeling of going under. I know I have the strength of our Lord who holds my heart and soul in his hands and will hold my tears and will dry my eyes. For now the windows to my soul are tinged a little red and swollen but they still remain intriguingly beautiful, not just because of their blue color but because of the words they hold within and everything the soul knows and continues to thirst for.

Posted on by Julie Deziel · 1 Comment

Empty

This is one part of our yard; the east side of the driveway. Imagine it full of trees and overgrowth of trees and cattails near the water. Last summer and this summer my husband and a kind old man spent countless hours cutting down and hauling out the trees to bring the vision that my husband had for a clear view from the house to the lake. This is the nearly end product minus grass (next year’s project). This space at one time had a log cabin, a chicken coop with a concrete foundation and a small 1-car garage. You see no remnants. Imagine next summer this will be all green and absolutely breath-taking view out towards the lake.

For me though having grown up out here and watching them clear all the trees and weeds I watched them empty bits and pieces of my childhood life and small aspects of my parents slowly slipped away. I have told my husband, “You are tearing down my memories.” But I knew better. The memories will always be there but visually they are erased.

Having lost four family members in a years time the same principle is being played out here. They were taken away, erased away from Alzheimer’s, kidney disease, sudden medical illness and an undiagnosed cardiac condition for my 32-year-old son-in-law. Their physical presence has sadly been wiped away and so incredibly hard to face at times that it can be hard to breathe. We just cannot catch our breath being in a state of grief for so long.

Just as the land east of the driveway changed completely with my husband’s vision, my memories of playing there or jumping off the dock in the lake have not faded. So too are the memories of my loved ones who have moved on in their journey. I just have to allow myself the grace of time to take those breaths and know that as the canvas of life changes what I carry in my bank of memories will never change. My loved ones walk with me and those I love. As I will walk across the green grass next summer I will hear the laughter of a childhood many years ago as we played football in the dark with the neighbors and the sound of the wood splitter as dad prepared the wood piles for winter or the vision of my mother sitting in her lawn chair twirling her hair as she read one of many books. I will remember the crisp morning we stood as a family for the photographer and a picture from that morning sits below a lamp with a red bulb lit for my son-in-law. My view when I close my eyes is filled with images from the past that can never be wiped away with a chainsaw or a tractor. Next year as I walk across the green grass I will hear it all, I will remember it all and I will make new memories with the new view. My memory bank is not erased nor will it ever be empty and will embrace each of those memories and breath, reflect, and smile. The view is full.

Posted on by Julie Deziel

Darkness Can Show You the Light

A black curtain was pulled across our world on August 12, 2020. Our son-in-law passed away from an undiagnosed heart condition while sleeping. How is it that a 32-year-old man who is the best dad and a loving, goofy husband be gone in a literal heartbeat? Darkness settled over a community he loved living in, settled over his firefighter and law enforcement XBox-loving friends, his adoring family and to pull back that dark curtain or crawl out from underneath the heavy darkness shines the reality that Geoff is gone. It sears so deep and sets the pain again and the curtain is much simpler pulled back and the darkness just seems so much more comforting.

Our little world has experienced an extreme amount of loss in a years time…a father, a brother, a grandfather, and now a “son”-in-law. It is difficult to find the so-called “God’s plan” when you seem to be continually grieving. It is difficult to simply grieve when you cannot finish the process of one before you begin the next. Then to be slammed with the sudden loss of a daddy the anger creeps in from behind that curtain and lays on top of the darkness adding more weight to the whole scenario. Where is the answer within sense of the tragedy? Right around the corner I am most certain our world will crumble again. Hope seems to have become a most distant friend as the trials of life have taken control.

How does anyone find their way out of the darkness? Is it possibly with The old adage “time heals?” Sometimes there are circumstances that are ever healed and death is one I believe. I believe that you learn to live with the new normal. It may take time and a lot of grit to be able to pull back the black curtain and the blanket of anger that lays on top of us. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute or breath by breath and admitting you are “horrible” and that is okay. Each is lightening the load…hopefully pushing back the next rush of darkness.

There is a song by Disturbed, “The Light” that talks about these same things. (The link to the video is attached).

“An unforgivable tragedy. The answer isn’t where you think you’d find it. Prepare yourself for the reckoning. For when your world seems to crumble again. Don’t be afraid, don’t turn away. You’re the one who can redefine it. Don’t let hope become a memory. Let the shadow permeate your mind and reveal the thoughts that we’re tucked away. So that the door can be opened again. Within your darkest memories lies the answer if your dare to find it. Don’t let hope become a memory.

When you think all is forsaken. Listen to me now. You need never feel broken again. Sometimes darkness can show you the light, beautiful.” (Dan Donegan, David Draiman, Kevin Churko, Mike Wengren)

So for now we will grieve the incredibly hard loss of Geoff and the loss of Isak having his favorite person; his daddy, and Adair losing the love her life. For now we will hide behind the curtain as fellow firefighters who will miss his antics at the fire hall and all his friends he was blessed to have that will remember his goofiness and spirited opinions. As family we will allow ourselves the grace to be angry to know this is not a dream we will not wake up from and have to face every day. We will wait for that “plan” and trust it. For now we will wait for the darkness to show us the light occasionally.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LypjOTTH6E&feature=share