Autumn is nearing its end.  Most leaves have left their perch on the tree and blown across the yard.  The sun has moved across the horizon along with an earlier setting time each day leading to long shadows across the lawn.  The fields have given up their crop and now lay wide open awaiting the first freeze of season.  The wind brings an ominous howl warning us to be prepared that winter is just around the corner.  Through the ugliness of the end of autumn will bring the beauty of winter through the snow coming down against the moonlight and the crisp sound of the boots on the fresh fallen snow.  

I am a shy person.  There are many people that would look at me, laugh and say, “Yah, right!” I hid in the shadows throughout my school years and was not noticed by many.  Social situations throughout my life created significant anxiety that at times have left me trembling or caused me to say no to many invitations.  I blush fiercely and many have found much humor in it and I joked my way around it by saying, “It’s my intelligence shining through.” My insides at times can feel the same ugliness that the end autumn can bring but there is so much more to me than my shyness, my social anxiety and my blushing. 

As I aged I have learned to work through some of the tougher aspects of those ugly points.  There is much beauty within my life through my children and grandchildren.  I am at a point in my life that I no longer want to allow drama in life to consume me.  I have a handful of close friends and a few work friends.  My husband is my best friend.  I am a very simple person.  I am not one to feel the need for 1,000 friends on Facebook nor do I want to be sitting in the bar every weekend or socializing with the neighbors or co-workers every weekend. I excel at my job and am proud of what I have accomplished in my line of work.  I, as most, have my weaknesses.  A few of those include being passionate when it involves my job, extremely self-critical, and emotional. This past week I had a reality check of how cruel our world can be that shook me to my core. Who I am and how I present myself seems to be an issue with some people.  Me, who I am.  

My mother taught us to always be kind and I have always tried my hardest to live up to her expectations.  I will show my kindness with a simple hello or a smile but with my shyness it at times is difficult to move beyond those things.  That can cause others to see me as unwelcoming.  I am uncomfortable with new people and do not know how to start conversations very well so that leads me to being quiet and leaves others not knowing how to take me.  I am now presented with the dilemma of facing the challenge of having to move into a realm of changing how I present who I am.  The mask I may have worn in the past now has to be dusted off and placed back on.  The comfort behind the mask may be familiar but feels like how the cold, barren tree looks; ugly.

The tree stands there looking ghastly with its barren branches; cold, worn and old which it is.  You could imagine that the tree would lay dark, long shadows.  It certainly does not look as if you would want to put up a tree swing and hear the giggle of children enjoying a beautiful summer day.  The day this picture was taken though the sun was shining with a temperature of 65 degrees.  The lake behind the tree was showing its blue colors as a light breeze caught a few remaining leaves on nearby trees.  The sun was beginning to come down in the western skies and left a gold glow along the top of the trees and let the green grass shine like a blanket waiting for a family to put out their picnic basket.  We live in a world where when you are not known you are judged on your appearance.  Just as the picture of the tree has a mask applied, many of us including me now live behind a mask showing a false presentation to give a more positive appearance for those around us so they feel comfortable.  First appearance would show me as simple and quiet and maybe not so welcoming as I shy away from someone I do not know.  Once you know me though I am funny (at least I think I am), intelligent, caring and kind.  Each of us is who we are and no one person has the right to make us feel that who we are is not acceptable unless it is harmful to another.  We should not have to hide in the shadows to fit into any environment or have another say that you are not accepted just as you are.  Right?  “Was I not a good person before?”  “How do I now change to fit into your world?” 

Had you not known the beauty of the true picture you would have most likely judged it on its appearance as the color was taken away.  I purposely deceived you.  I hid the beauty from you.  As for those of us that wear a mask, our true beauty lies beneath the mask; behind the shadows.  The right people will look and find our true colors and be most accepting.  The others…well does it matter?