Posted on by Julie Deziel

Hidden

Shinedown “Through The Ghost” posted at the end of the blog. Feel free to play it will reading. Very thought provoking song. I do not own the rights to the music.

Who as a child did not play the game of hide and seek. Oh the excitement as you waited as they counted to ten or twenty and heard the words; ready or not here I come.” Holding your breathe so they did not hear you as they looked behind the couch and you may have even shut your eyes believing that by doing so you became invisible and there was absolutely no way they could ever find you.

Through the years I cannot deny I have simply wanted to shut my eyes and pretend I am invisible, that I do not exist, that I am a ghost that not a single soul can see me. I have tried to hide myself away from all that I encounter just so they will not know me…as I know me.

I boast oftentimes that I am the “queen of the mask” and I have drawers full of different ones. I can pull one out at the drop of a hat, for any situation. I do this so that I can hide myself away. I can find a way to cope with all that I hear through the 911s I hear. I can cover myself with the dust of an old mask of anxiety as I wait for the next tragedy. The tragedy of it all is that I no longer see myself. It seems the color of who am is blank. The senselessness and hopelessness has overtaken the color of my soul.

I am pained that through all the aid given, all the proper authority that has been sent, all the abuse taken by the upset and angry individuals, and all the tears cried with the hurt and desperate that the world with never know me as I once knew me…for I live within a shell of a ghost. It is easier to hide myself away. I have found that shadows allow me to live and function forward. The world will not know me as I had once known me. Time has taken its toll. I will remain behind the shadows as I take my place behind the mic where the only part of me exposed is my voice. My voice is my mask and the callers becomes a part of my army of ghosts that I will live through tomorrow. Excuse me. The line is ringing once again that I cannot hide from. “911, where is your emergency?”

Posted on by Julie Deziel · 1 Comment

Wallflower

This picture was taken this fall on a peaceful walk around our yard and I took some time on the dock and this is what I was privy to see. The wind was not blowing and there were a few ducks making ripples nearby and a few seagulls finding summer. I did not need to be have someone with me to show me through the beauty or experience it with me. I did not have to share the beauty with another soul. It was a moment of silence in which I was simply regenerating my soul.

I grew up being “that” girl that was laughed at because she turned beet red when she was asked a question in school or had to give a presentation in front of a group. It would send me into an anxiety-ridden panic for days if I knew it was coming up. If I could silently fade into the walls i would have done it in a heartbeat. The thought of being a wallflower was welcomed by my psyche.

Push through to being a mother and grandmother and being in a job as a 911 dispatcher; needing a type A personality no doubt. The shyness within me is hidden behind a few masks or two. I have no choice but to talk at work. Often times I talk nearly 10 hours straight; 10 HOURS straight. Many times it is to people I do not even know but need my help. It is not normal talking. It is stressful talking. Then comes those few moments of silence and someone wants to speak. Many can understand. But the shy, quiet, introvert wants to live inside herself for awhile…to try to remain alive. Silence my ears.

Recently I was told that I appear to come off cold or chilly at times. I need to work on making eye contact with another. This person does not understand silence. They do not understand another’s need for live-sustaining quiet. At the drop of a hat we go from 0-100mph and the peace prepares the mind and soul for what is to come. When did it become a bad thing to just need a little down time with thoughts and quiet without it being that something is wrong? I am 56 years of age and now have to change who I am or do I? Is it so bad to be me in the end?

“Solitude is for me a fount of healing which makes my life worth living. Talking is often a torment for me, and I need many days of silence to recover from the futility of words.”

~Carl Jung

Posted on by Julie Deziel

Hide and Seek

17, 18, 19, 20. Ready or not here I come. The childhood game of Hide and Seek. Who has not played it as a child, as a parent and even as a grandparent. The giggles of the hidden as the seeker gets so close and then being so very quiet, even holding breaths so the hunter cannot find that elusive hiding spot.

A few months ago I was standing in front of the mirror and I could not see myself. The sharp defining lines that ensured my hair was just right to the assurance that my clothes were matched or tucked just right not to show too many imperfections had completely disappeared. It seemed I even lost a mask or two I wore dependent upon the day.

Who I am seems to have been lost. Is it that I am too busy and rushed? Is it that I am simply stressed? Can it be that I cannot face the fact I have aged and do not recognize the face that shows wrinkles and trying to hide the fact that I am getting older? If I look I can find the blond hair that I spend much too much time and energy on so it looks just right. I see the blue eyes of an older person that are ringed by signs of her middle age. I see a smile that her husband puts on her face every day. I see a woman standing there who has so much on her shoulders and in her heart. I blink though and I cannot see her…the lines again are blurred.

I am lost in the anger and the frustration that I allowed something so evil to enter my life through actions of antagonism, belittlement, and intimidation. I allowed another to overpower my strengths and discount me to that of a small child that sends me running to a place of hiding; a place where I attempt to feel safe. He was able to creep through and crack the lines of who I am and blur the image of myself. He may not have the face of who I envisioned Satan to be but he is just as evil; a devil in sheep’s clothing. Just as Satan hid in pretty clothing, I have hid myself. I hush myself so no one hears me. I may peek out from the corner and look and see if it is safe to come out and try to smooth the lines of the reflection of myself. I may put on a stray mask I have laying around so my demeanor is not in question. One thing though is my hair will look good and will be sure I am watching, listening. This time though I am seeking. Shhh just know…”I know more than you think. I just don’t say anything.”

Posted on by Julie Deziel

Looks Are Deceiving

Autumn is nearing its end.  Most leaves have left their perch on the tree and blown across the yard.  The sun has moved across the horizon along with an earlier setting time each day leading to long shadows across the lawn.  The fields have given up their crop and now lay wide open awaiting the first freeze of season.  The wind brings an ominous howl warning us to be prepared that winter is just around the corner.  Through the ugliness of the end of autumn will bring the beauty of winter through the snow coming down against the moonlight and the crisp sound of the boots on the fresh fallen snow.  

I am a shy person.  There are many people that would look at me, laugh and say, “Yah, right!” I hid in the shadows throughout my school years and was not noticed by many.  Social situations throughout my life created significant anxiety that at times have left me trembling or caused me to say no to many invitations.  I blush fiercely and many have found much humor in it and I joked my way around it by saying, “It’s my intelligence shining through.” My insides at times can feel the same ugliness that the end autumn can bring but there is so much more to me than my shyness, my social anxiety and my blushing. 

As I aged I have learned to work through some of the tougher aspects of those ugly points.  There is much beauty within my life through my children and grandchildren.  I am at a point in my life that I no longer want to allow drama in life to consume me.  I have a handful of close friends and a few work friends.  My husband is my best friend.  I am a very simple person.  I am not one to feel the need for 1,000 friends on Facebook nor do I want to be sitting in the bar every weekend or socializing with the neighbors or co-workers every weekend. I excel at my job and am proud of what I have accomplished in my line of work.  I, as most, have my weaknesses.  A few of those include being passionate when it involves my job, extremely self-critical, and emotional. This past week I had a reality check of how cruel our world can be that shook me to my core. Who I am and how I present myself seems to be an issue with some people.  Me, who I am.  

My mother taught us to always be kind and I have always tried my hardest to live up to her expectations.  I will show my kindness with a simple hello or a smile but with my shyness it at times is difficult to move beyond those things.  That can cause others to see me as unwelcoming.  I am uncomfortable with new people and do not know how to start conversations very well so that leads me to being quiet and leaves others not knowing how to take me.  I am now presented with the dilemma of facing the challenge of having to move into a realm of changing how I present who I am.  The mask I may have worn in the past now has to be dusted off and placed back on.  The comfort behind the mask may be familiar but feels like how the cold, barren tree looks; ugly.

The tree stands there looking ghastly with its barren branches; cold, worn and old which it is.  You could imagine that the tree would lay dark, long shadows.  It certainly does not look as if you would want to put up a tree swing and hear the giggle of children enjoying a beautiful summer day.  The day this picture was taken though the sun was shining with a temperature of 65 degrees.  The lake behind the tree was showing its blue colors as a light breeze caught a few remaining leaves on nearby trees.  The sun was beginning to come down in the western skies and left a gold glow along the top of the trees and let the green grass shine like a blanket waiting for a family to put out their picnic basket.  We live in a world where when you are not known you are judged on your appearance.  Just as the picture of the tree has a mask applied, many of us including me now live behind a mask showing a false presentation to give a more positive appearance for those around us so they feel comfortable.  First appearance would show me as simple and quiet and maybe not so welcoming as I shy away from someone I do not know.  Once you know me though I am funny (at least I think I am), intelligent, caring and kind.  Each of us is who we are and no one person has the right to make us feel that who we are is not acceptable unless it is harmful to another.  We should not have to hide in the shadows to fit into any environment or have another say that you are not accepted just as you are.  Right?  “Was I not a good person before?”  “How do I now change to fit into your world?” 

Had you not known the beauty of the true picture you would have most likely judged it on its appearance as the color was taken away.  I purposely deceived you.  I hid the beauty from you.  As for those of us that wear a mask, our true beauty lies beneath the mask; behind the shadows.  The right people will look and find our true colors and be most accepting.  The others…well does it matter?