Posted on by Julie Deziel

Hidden

Shinedown “Through The Ghost” posted at the end of the blog. Feel free to play it will reading. Very thought provoking song. I do not own the rights to the music.

Who as a child did not play the game of hide and seek. Oh the excitement as you waited as they counted to ten or twenty and heard the words; ready or not here I come.” Holding your breathe so they did not hear you as they looked behind the couch and you may have even shut your eyes believing that by doing so you became invisible and there was absolutely no way they could ever find you.

Through the years I cannot deny I have simply wanted to shut my eyes and pretend I am invisible, that I do not exist, that I am a ghost that not a single soul can see me. I have tried to hide myself away from all that I encounter just so they will not know me…as I know me.

I boast oftentimes that I am the “queen of the mask” and I have drawers full of different ones. I can pull one out at the drop of a hat, for any situation. I do this so that I can hide myself away. I can find a way to cope with all that I hear through the 911s I hear. I can cover myself with the dust of an old mask of anxiety as I wait for the next tragedy. The tragedy of it all is that I no longer see myself. It seems the color of who am is blank. The senselessness and hopelessness has overtaken the color of my soul.

I am pained that through all the aid given, all the proper authority that has been sent, all the abuse taken by the upset and angry individuals, and all the tears cried with the hurt and desperate that the world with never know me as I once knew me…for I live within a shell of a ghost. It is easier to hide myself away. I have found that shadows allow me to live and function forward. The world will not know me as I had once known me. Time has taken its toll. I will remain behind the shadows as I take my place behind the mic where the only part of me exposed is my voice. My voice is my mask and the callers becomes a part of my army of ghosts that I will live through tomorrow. Excuse me. The line is ringing once again that I cannot hide from. “911, where is your emergency?”

Posted on by Julie Deziel

The Silence is Deafening

There is no denying that a train makes a statement. With its large lumbering engines blowing their horns at every intersection to the rumbling of the ground as they pass by at 60 miles per hour as we sit on the roadway and wait for each of the train cars to make it through and we can continue on with our day. For many it is an opportunity to check their social media pages or make a phone call or another to touch up their makeup or just to simply get lost in thought. Even though it is so loud and annoying to me personally…that silence is deafening.

I have written before about my son-in-law who we lost six months ago to an undetected heart condition. We are still reeling over that tragedy. Having worked in the EMS world I know that tragedy happens and it is definitely not choosy. My youngest son and I experienced a terrible car accident years ago and I remember the look of my children and family when I was able to see them and the fear in their eyes. I do not wish that on anyone. As I have walked with an officer to deliver the news to a young mother her husband will not return home, I wish none of our officers ever had to knock on that door and see the absolute horror in a parent’s face as they know what is coming.

As I put another year as a 911 dispatcher behind me…23 years actually, a scenario that just seemed unimaginable recently occurred at the end of a long shift. I experienced a 911 call that was eerily similar to my son-in- law’s situation. There is no training for this type of situation. During the most devastating moment of the caller’s life all I could do was think of my daughter having to make that exact same call. As I walked through the information I needed I wanted to assure them they were not alone just as I prayed my daughter did not feel. As they waited for help to come and the caller and I worked together I am most certain was a lifetime for an “actual person” to get there. Even though I was “with them”, I can only think they felt a crippling silence from their most loved. When ambulance and law enforcement arrived I was able to disconnect and even though there were two other dispatchers in the room all I heard was a deafening silence.

As the words from Disturbed’s “Prayer” sing out, “Another dream that will never come true just to compliment your sorrow. Another life that I’ve taken from you, a gift to add on to your pain and suffering. Another truth you can never believe has crippled you completely. All the cries you’re beginning to hear trapped in your mind, and the sound is deafening.” This is the life of a 911 dispatcher. You carry the sounds, the sorrow, the horror and they find you in the silence and it can most deafening in those moments. I do not wish that on another soul. I think about the dispatcher that took my daughter’s call often. I am so sad she had to comfort my daughter on the worst day of her life at the moment I would have given anything to have stood in for her.

I will continue to watch the trains go by and hope for a glimpse of a baseball cap and sunglasses and a smiling Geoff riding along with his buddies and silently remember all those lives I have been a part of through a loud siren ringing telephone when it pierced the silence of the dispatch center.

Posted on by Julie Deziel

I Have Mail

I love the holiday season. I can spend all day sitting admiring my Christmas tree all decorated and soaking in the smell of Christmas wafting from the oven. One of my favorites of the season though is checking the mailbox and finding out that I have mail and it includes those special envelopes from friends and family wishing our household a “Merry Christmas”..

I work in an environment that does not bring much good news. Those that reach out on 911 do not do so to let us know they have a new grandchild or they won at bingo or they are getting company over the holiday season. They unfortunately call on their worst day no matter what time of year.

This year has seemed to be a different year in the center. Communities being in lock down brought struggles that families were not familiar with which brought out more violence, more juvenile issues and substance abuse. As the crisis has continued to drag on and continued lock downs, be it schools or businesses, it has has wreaked havoc mentally and financially on many. The tentacles reach throughout on the crisis lines, mental health providers, emergency rooms, and our 911 lines.

It seems as if death has enveloped me lately. Recently I was involved in 3 CPR in progress calls within a 24 hour period. Over this past weekend there were 2 unattended deaths in 12 hours. There are many ambulance call for services and later an obituary is viewed in the local newspapers. It may or may not be related to the medical crisis sweeping across the United States. It could be due to an internal struggle they have or an undiagnosed medical issue or simply old age took over their tired body. I turn on the National news and there is the never ending broadcast of doom and gloom and the out of sight crescendo of death due to CoVid-19 and no matter where a person goes to on social media you cannot simply will not escape it. It is suffocating. It is almost as if I can actually feel the death as a formidable item. It is exhausting and overwhelming most days.

Tomorrow though I will walk through the locked doors of the 911 doors and prepare to take the calls of another individual who is having their worst day; short of breath, high fever, or a young wife finding their husband laying lifeless on the floor. I will do my job. I will check my mailbox on my way out of the driveway in hopes that it will present me with a little joy; an envelope filled with a peaceful scene or a goofy Christmas scene but both sending love with the pictures of the family and signatures of season greetings. I will FEEL alive and hopeful…for now.

I pray you are enveloped in much love and peace this holiday season.

Posted on by Julie Deziel · 1 Comment

Wallflower

This picture was taken this fall on a peaceful walk around our yard and I took some time on the dock and this is what I was privy to see. The wind was not blowing and there were a few ducks making ripples nearby and a few seagulls finding summer. I did not need to be have someone with me to show me through the beauty or experience it with me. I did not have to share the beauty with another soul. It was a moment of silence in which I was simply regenerating my soul.

I grew up being “that” girl that was laughed at because she turned beet red when she was asked a question in school or had to give a presentation in front of a group. It would send me into an anxiety-ridden panic for days if I knew it was coming up. If I could silently fade into the walls i would have done it in a heartbeat. The thought of being a wallflower was welcomed by my psyche.

Push through to being a mother and grandmother and being in a job as a 911 dispatcher; needing a type A personality no doubt. The shyness within me is hidden behind a few masks or two. I have no choice but to talk at work. Often times I talk nearly 10 hours straight; 10 HOURS straight. Many times it is to people I do not even know but need my help. It is not normal talking. It is stressful talking. Then comes those few moments of silence and someone wants to speak. Many can understand. But the shy, quiet, introvert wants to live inside herself for awhile…to try to remain alive. Silence my ears.

Recently I was told that I appear to come off cold or chilly at times. I need to work on making eye contact with another. This person does not understand silence. They do not understand another’s need for live-sustaining quiet. At the drop of a hat we go from 0-100mph and the peace prepares the mind and soul for what is to come. When did it become a bad thing to just need a little down time with thoughts and quiet without it being that something is wrong? I am 56 years of age and now have to change who I am or do I? Is it so bad to be me in the end?

“Solitude is for me a fount of healing which makes my life worth living. Talking is often a torment for me, and I need many days of silence to recover from the futility of words.”

~Carl Jung

Posted on by Julie Deziel · 1 Comment

Nothing New Around Here

“Nothing new around here” are the words I heard today with a stop at the nursing home. I stopped with a few things my grandfather enjoys and to hear how his weekend had been. “Pretty quiet” and “I napped a lot” were the most descriptive he could find for me. It was not the most upbeat visit we had since he entered the home a few weeks ago.

My grandfather will be 100 years old towards the end of February. He has been a widower since 1988 and until the beginning of November has lived on his own in his own home. There have been health scares and struggles through the years but he has always battled back. Through it all though his mind has remained sharp as a tack. As a friend recently reflected, “Don’t tell Lonny anything you don’t want anyone to know as he will remember it forever.” Well it is true. He remembers more than I do.

His goal in life has been to live to be 100. Four to six weeks ago though he became ill and in his mind gave up on that goal and simply wanted to go home and die. We as a family looked at options for him to fulfill his dream of being in his own home and seeing family and allowing him to feel peace whenever his wife and daughter who wait for him on the other side would take his hand home. There came a point when he had to take an ambulance to the hospital and more skilled care was needed as his weakening body was not allowing his sharp as a tack mind that option to be in the comfort of his home.

Aiding a loved one into a “home” other than their own is a tumultuous mental and emotional journey. Besides all the paperwork that needs to be done, the physical work of moving belongings, safeguarding their home, there is the sadness of watching them lose their independence right before your eyes. The opportunity to walk to the kitchen to have a slice of bread with butter is now replaced with asking and then waiting for it to be brought to you. The normal seasoning of your food becomes cafeteria-like but you are too kind to ask for sugar as there is a diabetic sitting at the table with you so you eat it bland. The smells of home are lost to a facility laundry room.

Today the diabetic table mate will no longer be eating with my grandfather. He now eats with his loved ones who have gone on before him. Maybe my grandfather will ask for sugar or kindly accept the food the way it is cooked and say “thank you.” But for today there was nothing new going on around there. He napped a few times and waited for me to visit. He will wait for me to come on Wednesday with his mail and for his friend Doug to come and visit.

I hear you Boppy. I see you and how sad you are that you are not in your home. I am sad for you. For now though “nothing new going on around here” is keeping you safe and allowing you to gain strength everyday. Enjoy supper and I will see you Wednesday.

Posted on by Julie Deziel

Hide and Seek

17, 18, 19, 20. Ready or not here I come. The childhood game of Hide and Seek. Who has not played it as a child, as a parent and even as a grandparent. The giggles of the hidden as the seeker gets so close and then being so very quiet, even holding breaths so the hunter cannot find that elusive hiding spot.

A few months ago I was standing in front of the mirror and I could not see myself. The sharp defining lines that ensured my hair was just right to the assurance that my clothes were matched or tucked just right not to show too many imperfections had completely disappeared. It seemed I even lost a mask or two I wore dependent upon the day.

Who I am seems to have been lost. Is it that I am too busy and rushed? Is it that I am simply stressed? Can it be that I cannot face the fact I have aged and do not recognize the face that shows wrinkles and trying to hide the fact that I am getting older? If I look I can find the blond hair that I spend much too much time and energy on so it looks just right. I see the blue eyes of an older person that are ringed by signs of her middle age. I see a smile that her husband puts on her face every day. I see a woman standing there who has so much on her shoulders and in her heart. I blink though and I cannot see her…the lines again are blurred.

I am lost in the anger and the frustration that I allowed something so evil to enter my life through actions of antagonism, belittlement, and intimidation. I allowed another to overpower my strengths and discount me to that of a small child that sends me running to a place of hiding; a place where I attempt to feel safe. He was able to creep through and crack the lines of who I am and blur the image of myself. He may not have the face of who I envisioned Satan to be but he is just as evil; a devil in sheep’s clothing. Just as Satan hid in pretty clothing, I have hid myself. I hush myself so no one hears me. I may peek out from the corner and look and see if it is safe to come out and try to smooth the lines of the reflection of myself. I may put on a stray mask I have laying around so my demeanor is not in question. One thing though is my hair will look good and will be sure I am watching, listening. This time though I am seeking. Shhh just know…”I know more than you think. I just don’t say anything.”

Posted on by Julie Deziel · 1 Comment

Shake It Off

When a racer hits the track he aims for the lead where he can see the checkered flag quite clearly at the end of the race. At the end of the night there is little dust and mud to shake off and you are ready for the next race. Track prep lays down enough, and at times too much water that aids in avoiding a dust storm. When you are in the back of the pack and traveling nearly 70mph not being able to see the car in front of you or alongside you is a recipe for catastrophe. Those of us who drive in the upper Midwest know what decreased visibility is like in the middle of January when snow falls and the winds blow at 35mph lending to zero or near-zero visibility. White knuckle driving and many prayers lead the way and before we head out on the road the next day we have to dust off all the snow left behind. If only…we could dust off all the yuck in life.

There has been an increase in the recognition in first responder suicide. It is a sad fact in this line of work. This extends from fire to law enforcement to EMS to dispatchers. It is a difficult world to walk through. Each line has its own adversities and none of them should be diminished over the other. The aspects of the job that each hold are arduous enough but are compounded even more by outside components.

We all know life is full of struggles. Being an adult is strenuous and there are rough roads to travel and at times it is that white knuckle ride. There seems at times you will not see the light through the darkness of bills, familial struggles, loneliness and then we pile on a call a horrific car accident or an elderly woman who lost her husband and then a bullying co-worker whose life goal seems to be to belittle those around them, maybe a co-worker who is unhappy at his or her position and lays it at the feet of others in the way they treat them and oh yes the toxic people. Do you have an elderly family member that needs additional care that wears you down? Finding self-care is simply impossible and the shoulders cannot hold it all. I have found in my years of work in this, yes it can be, rewarding line of work it seems you need to be hardened and do not or should not show your “weak” side. All of these have been whipped together for that recipe for catastrophe.

It is a sad story to see these stories every day and the families affected. I do not know the answer to help everyone in that dark place. I believe that together we can hopefully lessen the struggle and make the track in life not so dusty, not just in these lines of work, but in life by simply…

Being respectful

Saying “hello” because you want to, not because you are the only two in the hall

Do not dismiss another due to their sex, race, political view, or religion

Just be kind

Forgive often

Love today, love tomorrow

Share laughs

Listen and accept

Hug more

Never should it be “suck it up, buttercup” and absolutely never should it be “shake it off” and pushed off to the side. Find someone, someplace where the darkness is not allowed to fully encompass you. I know I no longer want to read another statistic. My heart hurts enough.

Oh…and bring your dispatcher more chocolate (he/she really does like your company)

Posted on by Julie Deziel

A Hard Goodbye

“911, where is your emergency?……

The sun sets. All the good, all the bad, all the uncertainty and all the worrying that came with the day is complete. As my head lays down on the pillow I can say a soft goodbye to this day. After a few hours of sleep the sun will rise once again and a new day will dawn.

Over the past 2 shifts as a 911 dispatcher I was privy to two calls of children each having found a parent deceased and another working with my partner who took a call of another deceased person. These calls are obviously hard to take and listen “with.” You can feel the heartbreak and loss with the caller as to what is unfolding in front of them. You can feel the shroud of darkness within their voice. It is a type of call that simply will never become “easy” to take or one that, as a dispatcher, “you get used to.”

I know I will take those calls with me when I shut the door behind me at the end of the day. I will think about the caller, the victim, the loved ones left behind and how very much their lives changed in that very moment. At sunset the past few days, did they each think about their own lives and who they held close in it and realize how fast it can end? Did they have an opportunity to say a goodbye to their loved ones before their eyes closed for the last time; before they awoke to a new heavenly day?

These three lives impacted me. They came home with me. I will carry them upstairs with me tonight. They have shown me though that:

Life is short.

We are here to LIVE and live we must.

Worrying will not change the outcome.

Love with all you have.

Yesterday was lived so there is no reason to relive it.

An I love you is a precious phrase, and

Tomorrow’s are never promised so live and love with all you have.

The sun set on their lives and in a way it set even on those that loved them so deeply. It is dark for them and will be hard to see any light for a period of time. Tomorrow though the sun will peek over the horizon promising a new day as hard as it is to imagine for them. As A. A. Milne wrote from Winnie the Pooh, “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbyes so hard.”

At the right time as a dispatcher we disconnect with our callers. We do not hang up first, the original caller hangs up. There is always a goodbye. In situations such as these, they are hard goodbyes. I understand the loss. I understand the upcoming hard final goodbye.

Goodbyes though are not forever…that we are promised.

“I will let you go, but if you need anything please go ahead and call back, okay? Okay. Goodbye”. Call disconnects………

Posted on by Julie Deziel · 1 Comment

How Can You Not Smile?


Oh my!  The joy that a smile of a small child can emulate.  Who can resist the chunky cheeks and a hidden dimple that now presents itself?  A smile will cross each of our faces and for a moment in time the stress in our lives simply melts away.  That joy in their laughter is contagious and virtually pushes out any stress and difficulty that are held within ourselves.  

Working as a 911 dispatcher it often brings along extreme amounts of stress, I often search for ways to let go of the stress so I do not bring it home.  There are those calls that simply attach themselves to my shoulders and climb in the car with me that even listening to Ozzy Osbourne cranked so loud that even the deer turn their heads that does not drown them out.  They will sit there with me on the couch and crawl into bed with me doing their absolute best to ensure they are remembered.  Our brains are wired to remember; not forget.  It will work so very hard to remember even the worst memory.  It is a tough battle fighting against the brain wanting to remember and I know to remember those difficult calls can be detrimental to me personally.  I KNOW that I should not dwell on those calls and work through them.  It is difficult though when I may face the same type of call multiple times within the month or even the same week that compounds the healing process.  I have to dig deep within my bag of tools I have learned through counseling and trial and err to ensure I do not become consumed by those memories.

Those same tools need to be utilized in my day to day stressors in life.  Each life comes with difficulty and so often I have to find ways to get through them, at times weeks or even months.  The joy can be as if it is hidden within a word search and I have to find it in the dark.  Working at a stress-filled job certainly has not made me a pro at handling tough days or periods of life or given me the ability to make good decisions such as I have to do in my job which have to be done in a manner that makes the difference between life and death.  I have to take the same tools I use to work through those tough calls into my personal trials.  

Through my fifty-four years of life and through my chosen path of work I have learned that life is simply too short. In life there is pain and each of us will makes mistakes that will haunt us to the very end of our lives, and at times it seems we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. The biggest lesson learned though is to take that extra moment to hear that little one laugh and memorize the dimple when they smile.  Kiss the chunky cheeks and feel the stress quietly slip away for a moment.  I have found the most simple joy that fills me to the deepest parts of my soul through the smiles and laughter of my grandchildren.  They allow me the grace to let it all go.  Tomorrow will be a new day with new stressors but for today I will smile along with them and bring the sweet memories of my own children when they were little and the wonderful joy they brought me with those same smiles and innocent giggles.