Posted on by Julie Deziel

The Window

“The soul can speak through the eyes,
and kiss with a look.”

-Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer-

A simple edited picture of me. When I first looked at it I thought it was a rather cool picture and my eyes really stood out. But I looked a little deeper into them and they spoke volumes to me. I would believe that many have heard the saying “eyes are the window to the soul.” I have learned in life that the soul is what leaves our body when we die but is also the spirit and essence of a person and is composed by all the mental abilities: reason, character, feeling, memory, perception and thinking. It is a book of who we are physically and spiritually.

When I was younger as we drove along the neighborhood streets I loved to imagine beyond the windows of a home in the evening picturing the lives of those inside. Do they live the Beaver Cleaver world? Do they have every toy and electronic under the Christmas tree to ensure that Santa requests were fulfilled. I still ponder the lives on a quiet drive through a neighborhood thinking who is there and what secrets are hidden behind their windows. Is there financial struggle or is their a lonely spouse following the loss of their beloved spouse through death. If we could take a walk up to the window to see further inside we could understand the narrative of their lives.

We each have a story no doubt. We are born and grow up and go through school with some being a jock and popular and some, like me, a wallflower who centered on music. My narration follows that same path throughout my adult life. I have remained the quiet and shy gal who loves with her whole heart those who I have let into my life. Through EMS work I have seen the joy of life entering life and seen the sadness of life leave a body. I have seen horrific scenes that are imprinted within my memory bank. As I progressed into 911 dispatching I no longer have to “see” but now “hear” the scenes, the horror of family discord, the devastating sadness of the realization that one’s loved one will no longer look at them, speak to them or spend another moment with them. Each one lays within my soul and travels with me along the highways and byways of my life. Be it a friend or a tragedy that encompass a memory of what is held inside they each are seen in my eye; my truth, my emotions, my fear, my happiness, my intensity, and my sorrow.

We as a family have traveled the grief road over the past year and a half in losing five family members but especially in the last five months our eyes hurt, our eyes are tired. My soul is exhausted and torn. Strength and faith are shook to their core and there is an overwhelming feeling of going under. I know I have the strength of our Lord who holds my heart and soul in his hands and will hold my tears and will dry my eyes. For now the windows to my soul are tinged a little red and swollen but they still remain intriguingly beautiful, not just because of their blue color but because of the words they hold within and everything the soul knows and continues to thirst for.

Posted on by Julie Deziel · 1 Comment

Empty

This is one part of our yard; the east side of the driveway. Imagine it full of trees and overgrowth of trees and cattails near the water. Last summer and this summer my husband and a kind old man spent countless hours cutting down and hauling out the trees to bring the vision that my husband had for a clear view from the house to the lake. This is the nearly end product minus grass (next year’s project). This space at one time had a log cabin, a chicken coop with a concrete foundation and a small 1-car garage. You see no remnants. Imagine next summer this will be all green and absolutely breath-taking view out towards the lake.

For me though having grown up out here and watching them clear all the trees and weeds I watched them empty bits and pieces of my childhood life and small aspects of my parents slowly slipped away. I have told my husband, “You are tearing down my memories.” But I knew better. The memories will always be there but visually they are erased.

Having lost four family members in a years time the same principle is being played out here. They were taken away, erased away from Alzheimer’s, kidney disease, sudden medical illness and an undiagnosed cardiac condition for my 32-year-old son-in-law. Their physical presence has sadly been wiped away and so incredibly hard to face at times that it can be hard to breathe. We just cannot catch our breath being in a state of grief for so long.

Just as the land east of the driveway changed completely with my husband’s vision, my memories of playing there or jumping off the dock in the lake have not faded. So too are the memories of my loved ones who have moved on in their journey. I just have to allow myself the grace of time to take those breaths and know that as the canvas of life changes what I carry in my bank of memories will never change. My loved ones walk with me and those I love. As I will walk across the green grass next summer I will hear the laughter of a childhood many years ago as we played football in the dark with the neighbors and the sound of the wood splitter as dad prepared the wood piles for winter or the vision of my mother sitting in her lawn chair twirling her hair as she read one of many books. I will remember the crisp morning we stood as a family for the photographer and a picture from that morning sits below a lamp with a red bulb lit for my son-in-law. My view when I close my eyes is filled with images from the past that can never be wiped away with a chainsaw or a tractor. Next year as I walk across the green grass I will hear it all, I will remember it all and I will make new memories with the new view. My memory bank is not erased nor will it ever be empty and will embrace each of those memories and breath, reflect, and smile. The view is full.

Posted on by Julie Deziel

Darkness Can Show You the Light

A black curtain was pulled across our world on August 12, 2020. Our son-in-law passed away from an undiagnosed heart condition while sleeping. How is it that a 32-year-old man who is the best dad and a loving, goofy husband be gone in a literal heartbeat? Darkness settled over a community he loved living in, settled over his firefighter and law enforcement XBox-loving friends, his adoring family and to pull back that dark curtain or crawl out from underneath the heavy darkness shines the reality that Geoff is gone. It sears so deep and sets the pain again and the curtain is much simpler pulled back and the darkness just seems so much more comforting.

Our little world has experienced an extreme amount of loss in a years time…a father, a brother, a grandfather, and now a “son”-in-law. It is difficult to find the so-called “God’s plan” when you seem to be continually grieving. It is difficult to simply grieve when you cannot finish the process of one before you begin the next. Then to be slammed with the sudden loss of a daddy the anger creeps in from behind that curtain and lays on top of the darkness adding more weight to the whole scenario. Where is the answer within sense of the tragedy? Right around the corner I am most certain our world will crumble again. Hope seems to have become a most distant friend as the trials of life have taken control.

How does anyone find their way out of the darkness? Is it possibly with The old adage “time heals?” Sometimes there are circumstances that are ever healed and death is one I believe. I believe that you learn to live with the new normal. It may take time and a lot of grit to be able to pull back the black curtain and the blanket of anger that lays on top of us. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute or breath by breath and admitting you are “horrible” and that is okay. Each is lightening the load…hopefully pushing back the next rush of darkness.

There is a song by Disturbed, “The Light” that talks about these same things. (The link to the video is attached).

“An unforgivable tragedy. The answer isn’t where you think you’d find it. Prepare yourself for the reckoning. For when your world seems to crumble again. Don’t be afraid, don’t turn away. You’re the one who can redefine it. Don’t let hope become a memory. Let the shadow permeate your mind and reveal the thoughts that we’re tucked away. So that the door can be opened again. Within your darkest memories lies the answer if your dare to find it. Don’t let hope become a memory.

When you think all is forsaken. Listen to me now. You need never feel broken again. Sometimes darkness can show you the light, beautiful.” (Dan Donegan, David Draiman, Kevin Churko, Mike Wengren)

So for now we will grieve the incredibly hard loss of Geoff and the loss of Isak having his favorite person; his daddy, and Adair losing the love her life. For now we will hide behind the curtain as fellow firefighters who will miss his antics at the fire hall and all his friends he was blessed to have that will remember his goofiness and spirited opinions. As family we will allow ourselves the grace to be angry to know this is not a dream we will not wake up from and have to face every day. We will wait for that “plan” and trust it. For now we will wait for the darkness to show us the light occasionally.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LypjOTTH6E&feature=share

Posted on by Julie Deziel

All You Need Is…Hope

This was the year. This was their time to finally take home the title “Super Bowl Champions.” I am a tried and true Vikings fan and anticipated this more and more as the season played out. I had hope. No, I truly believed they would be playing in the Super Bowl.

I have no idea what you believe the word hope means but to me it is with great anticipation that something will happen although there is no guarantee. It could be a wish, a dream. If you look in the Bible you will find that hope is translated from the Greek and Hebrew languages as an “indication of certainty.”

Hmmmm… so the Bible will take us to the certainty of one’s hoping. I read this and then think that what I am hoping for the odds are in my favor then, right? I can live with that then.

— I hope that my children will be happy every day of their lives.

— I hope that I will be rich.

— I hope that all my officers will go home safe and sound tonight.

— I hope I dance at all my grandchildren’s weddings.

— I hope my son has an awesome year racing.

–I hope…I hope…I hope… so I am expecting a high return on my hopes because the Bible says it is so through those words of certainty of one’s hoping. How awesome then if I spend my life hoping for nothing but good then for most aspects of it my life will roll along pretty smooth. Awesome!

Hold on now. My brain knows though that life does not roll this way. Those hopes do not always come true. That high school crush is not the one for my lifetime or that football game simply is not for the Vikings to win this year.

Do I or we simply stop hoping then? Not me. If I do not have hopes what do I have to look forward to? Where do I put my focus then towards in the future? I simply will continue to hope for all the good in the world for my children and grandchildren. I will always hope my guys go home safe to their families and most importantly I will hope with all my heart that I will dance at all of my grandchildren’s weddings and I will carry a little faith along with me that there is some certainty in my hope.