Posted on by Julie Deziel

Hold On Tight

I remember the morning I took this picture perfectly. I was leaving for work early in the morning for a twelve-hour shift starting at 7:00 a.m. I am NOT a morning person…period! I was struggling to navigate myself and all my bags I take with me out to the garage and get down the road. I saw this artistic scene and literally slammed on the brakes. Absolutely breathtaking. I had to get out and snap a picture. As beautiful as it was, it was a reminder it was morning and I had this day shift to get through.

I have been researching for just the perfect song for a video of a big moment in our lives and our little paradise on earth; our home . I nonchalantly came upon a video this evening that drew me in. It is so incredibly fitting for me and the time in my life.

I have received two diagnosis’ earlier in the year that have knocked me off balance. First was the diagnosis of pulmonary hypertension with a high number that was found to be not very encouraging. In finding the possible cause of PH it was revealed that I have pulmonary fibrosis also which took my breath away (pun intended). I immediately began researching these conditions. I started with Google which sent me to being ready to go out and buy a cemetery plot. I switched it up to browsing into true medical research on these and visited with my doctor. I have found that it is not encouraging for a long life. Each of these conditions separately are not curable and each of them alone will progress to being fatal, but a combination of the two together does not have an are promising outcome. As medicine is a ever-changing field that advances in treatment keeps me encouraged. I am optimistic but I am also a realist and whether it is two years, or the median 4.1 year I will now live.

We all remember the big things in life; the births of our children, our weddings, the loss of loved ones. The days of the year creep by and we recognize those events. They are so incredibly large to us but focusing on just the these things leaves all the little things off to the side. We have so many small things that we may think are insignificant at the time; conversations shaping us, people in our lives who molded us into our being today. It may be the soft snow falling from the sky landing on Christmas lights laid on bushes outside the house or that sunset that laid out a canvas of simple peace and incredible beauty. These little things that were so nonchalant but now I realize are leading me down a path to a something greater. Eddie Pinero orates “Remember the Little Things” which leaves a soul to reflect upon their little things. “Oh they hide themselves those little things. In a way it’s not too different from the oxygen we breathe in and breathe out intertwined in every day life necessary to carry on, to grow, to evolve yet only missed when it is gone. We don’t think about the air we breathe unless of course we are submerged and without it.”

Do you know what is important? Do you know what you hold close to your heart? Do you spend time thinking about the little moments in your life? The little things though could simply be everything in our lives; the smell of coffee in the morning remembering a grandparent’s hug, walking down a wooded path and smelling the earth all around us, feeling the lashes of a grandchild sweeping against a cheek as they snuggle in for a nap, or the smell of chocolate cookies hanging in the air and finding simple pleasure from such.

Grasping the “things” that surrounds each of us is what gives us an internal picture that can be removed and replayed from time to time. It is these simple things that have now shown me what is important in my life. As I watch patiently for the sunrise being painted right in front of me I am reminded I am alive and for now I am breathing as time will steal that vital necessity from me. I now see the little things at the exact moment I am in embraced by the simple things for in present time they are my big things. So my friends, “Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you’ll look back and realize they were the big things” – Robert Brault

Listen to the inspiring message and think about your own little things and hold on tight.

Posted on by Julie Deziel · 1 Comment

That Happened Fast

IMG 2018

There is a line from  Mario de Andrade’s poem “The Valuable Time of Maturity” that opened my eyes to turning 60 years of age and how did I come to this point where “I counted my years and discovered that I have less time to live going forward than I have lived until now.”

When I turned 50 years old I could say I hit the mid-point of my life.  People are living longer and whose to say I would not make it to 100.  When you look at 60 though, you cannot fathom 120 years of life so I am now I can truly say I am on the downhill aspect of life.  But reality truly hit that I am for sure past my prime.  My grandmother died when she was 67 years old and my mom died at 63 years. I often think about how they viewed life in their 60’s and realizing that they would not live long lives.  As my mother battled ovarian cancer she realized that life would end sooner rather than later.  My grandmother dealt with the same aspects through her heart issues after a heart attack.  Now I face the same aspects of health issues as they did at the age of 60 or early 60’s.

My battle with COVID in January and February 2022 I have had lingering issues – a long hauler as I have been told.  But things progressed since then I have been diagnosed with two conditions that you do not recover from but progress  (fingers crossed for slowly) over time becoming fatal.  One is pulmonary hypertension (which is at a severe level) and also pulmonary fibrosis with decreased diffusion.  My doctors believe the pulmonary fibrosis is COVID-related and thus led to pulmonary hypertension.  Having one of these is bad enough but the two together are not so promising.  It is a very tough pill to swallow as I face many appointments and procedures that time COULD be shorter than I ever imagined but prayerfully I will beat the odds. I had a couple of appointments this week and one of the doctor left the room wishing me a happy birthday and says to “touch my loved ones toremind yourself that you are alive. I did that today at my birthday party…hugged and truly “felt” the love for I am alive today.

None of us know our end date and should live alive.  So that is what I will do.  In the words of Mario de Andrade,

“I want to surround myself with people, who know how to touch the hearts of people …

People to whom the hard knocks of life, taught them to grow with softness in their soul.

Yes … I am in a hurry … to live with intensity, tnat only maturity can bring.

I intend not to waste any part of the goodies I have left …

I’m sure they will be more exquisite, that most of whihc so far I’ve eaten.

My goal is to arrive to the end satisfied and in peace with my loved ones and my conscience.

I hope that your goal is the same because either way you will get there too ..”

Live my friends. Touch your loved ones and cherish each breath you take.  Life moves fast…so very fast and one day you may feel the need to put the brakes on as you say “wow, that happened fast.”

Posted on by Julie Deziel

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Joni Mitchell sings “Rows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air, and feather canyons everywhere. I looked at clouds that way.” I am not a fan of Joni’s music, I will immediateIy change the channel for I am one that needs the right song for the moment I am in. The other day though, I saw the YouTube video of this song with Joni singing mind you at age 78 and having to relearn so much following a brain aneurism a few years back, “Both Sides Now” at a Rhode Island Folk fest just this year. It brought me straight to tears.

Who as a child did not lay on their backs in the cool grass on a warm summer day and look for characters in the clouds; might it be a dog, a person laughing. Dreams are spoken and wishes held tight while looking. Just as fast as the clouds can change the illusions in the sky they can become just plain ugly. They bring the rain, the snow and a darker day.

Two years ago today I was in the throes of grief through losing a father, grandfather, my husband’s brother and my husband’s sister’s significant other in a years time. The cloud cover was heavy like the weight of a large quilt. It was almost comforting to lay under that blanket and the darkness of the clouds. As each death descended upon us it was much more comforting to just lay there with no break in the clouds. Little did we know one of the hardest deaths was very near. With little time to truly grieve, our daughter’s husband peacefully passed away in his sleep. Overwhelming, incredibly sad, stunning, leave you breathless and extremely painful. You grieve for the son lost, your grandchild’s realization daddy is gone forever and he will never know him as we did. The most difficult though was watching my own child grieve, hurt, in despair and not being able to make any of it better. The quilt never felt as heavy as it did that night, the next week…for months and now nearly two years. My child was simply sad and there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix it. Grief hung on my shoulders like a shawl. I could only walk through her cues as she began to heal but we know that can be an indeterminate period of time but it seemed like the clouds simply were ever in the way.

The picture attached is one from a race night and while sitting at my son’s pit spot about a week after my son-in- law‘s death I found absolute beauty in the clouds. I saw love, peace and a feeling of “this will be better one day.” Having been consumed with all the sadness and grief I thought I could never pull out from under I found that time allows us to grow into the new normal and that there is love before death and loss but also the same after. Just like the clouds can be ever changing so is life. I still find there are days that I need to throw the quilt off and allow the clouds to break. As Joni sings, “I’ve looked at life from both sides now. From win and lose and still somehow it’s life’s illusions I recall. I really don’t know life. I really don’t know life at all.” Just that life is difficult, with loss but the sun will peek through the clouds when they are darkest. That’s what I know about life.

Feel free to embrace Joni Mitchell in her reprisal to singing and giving truly giving us a gift in her song, “Both asides Now.”