via Shake It Off
Shake It Off
When a racer hits the track he aims for the lead where he can see the checkered flag quite clearly at the end of the race. At the end of the night there is little dust and mud to shake off and you are ready for the next race. Track prep lays down enough, and at times too much water that aids in avoiding a dust storm. When you are in the back of the pack and traveling nearly 70mph not being able to see the car in front of you or alongside you is a recipe for catastrophe. Those of us who drive in the upper Midwest know what decreased visibility is like in the middle of January when snow falls and the winds blow at 35mph lending to zero or near-zero visibility. White knuckle driving and many prayers lead the way and before we head out on the road the next day we have to dust off all the snow left behind. If only…we could dust off all the yuck in life.
There has been an increase in the recognition in first responder suicide. It is a sad fact in this line of work. This extends from fire to law enforcement to EMS to dispatchers. It is a difficult world to walk through. Each line has its own adversities and none of them should be diminished over the other. The aspects of the job that each hold are arduous enough but are compounded even more by outside components.
We all know life is full of struggles. Being an adult is strenuous and there are rough roads to travel and at times it is that white knuckle ride. There seems at times you will not see the light through the darkness of bills, familial struggles, loneliness and then we pile on a call a horrific car accident or an elderly woman who lost her husband and then a bullying co-worker whose life goal seems to be to belittle those around them, maybe a co-worker who is unhappy at his or her position and lays it at the feet of others in the way they treat them and oh yes the toxic people. Do you have an elderly family member that needs additional care that wears you down? Finding self-care is simply impossible and the shoulders cannot hold it all. I have found in my years of work in this, yes it can be, rewarding line of work it seems you need to be hardened and do not or should not show your “weak” side. All of these have been whipped together for that recipe for catastrophe.
It is a sad story to see these stories every day and the families affected. I do not know the answer to help everyone in that dark place. I believe that together we can hopefully lessen the struggle and make the track in life not so dusty, not just in these lines of work, but in life by simply…
Being respectful
Saying “hello” because you want to, not because you are the only two in the hall
Do not dismiss another due to their sex, race, political view, or religion
Just be kind
Forgive often
Love today, love tomorrow
Share laughs
Listen and accept
Hug more
Never should it be “suck it up, buttercup” and absolutely never should it be “shake it off” and pushed off to the side. Find someone, someplace where the darkness is not allowed to fully encompass you. I know I no longer want to read another statistic. My heart hurts enough.
Oh…and bring your dispatcher more chocolate (he/she really does like your company)
Did That Really Happen?
Ten years ago at this time of year we had supported our mother’s decision to end treatment against ovarian cancer and enter hospice. We did not know a time frame that we would be blessed with her earthly presence and treasured every moment we had with her, every conversation, every touch, simply her presence. Ten years ago I was turning 45 years old and facing the actual reality that my mother was not going to be in my life much longer. I remember asking myself during those days “Is this really happening?”
I consider myself a nostalgic person. I am “that” kind of mom that has Christmas ornaments made from my young children saved in my Christmas stuff. I have birthday and anniversary cards tucked in my hope chest that my daughters would say, “Why did she save these?” if they have to go through my things one day. I am certainly not a hoarder (that would involve having a mess and chaos in my house and God forbid we have that haha) but there are those things I just cannot find within me to take to the garbage can just yet.
Besides holding onto those material things I tend to take and heap many occurrences in my life into my imaginary backpack and carry them along my journey in life. I would assume many have the same backpack; some lighter, some much heavier. I am very territorial about my burden I carry. I do not want to give it to anyone to carry for me and I certainly do not want to leave it behind for anyone to open up and see what I carry inside. The contents come from past and present relationships, normal day-to-day happenings, and the ever present voices and sounds from very difficult 911 calls from nearly 20 years of service in that line of work. As much as I and maybe yourself wish that rock labeled with the name of a past relationship or a difficult situation could simply be taken out of the backpack and thrown out and pretend it never happened. They are the most difficult. Struggles in our daily life may lay on the top of the pile that we can pull out and pitch. Those are the easy ones.
I trudge through life carrying my backpack just as every other person carries their own burdens through theirs. We each do it in our own unique way. I have through life looked through it and taken out heavier burdens and have been able to whittle them down so they are not so big. Some of them simply do not get easier and just like on the day of the original struggle looking at that rock; that burden it is a step back in time. I hear the pain. I hear the loss. Those voices of the 911 caller do not hang up. They fall within the backpack and take a permanent place within the empty spaces in the load upon my shoulders. Just as I said when I suffered a breakup and said, “I can’t believe this is happening” or taking a horrific 911 call whispering in my mind, “This cannot be happening,” and now looking to the 10-year anniversary of my mother’s death and the enormity of that and it truly seems just like yesterday, “Did that really happen?”
Right Here, Right Now
Oh the beauty of this flower. The black stands out strong against the orange. Look how the background lays out just the right amount of blur. “Oh but if I would have” “or I should have done that” as I look at it with a photogenic eye and think of other aspects that I should have done differently with it I could have possibly vastly improved this picture. Instead of just accepting it for what it is right here, right now I want to change it so maybe, just maybe I can be just a little more happy with it.
Mindfulness. A new word I am bringing to my life.
I am going to be aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different.
Enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes as I know it will.
Being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way which I know it will not always be.
I no longer have to bring on the guilt, the shame, the embarrassment into any situation.
Mindfulness. My thoughts begin to settle. My brain begins to settle. I am at peace.
The flower is simply beautiful as it is right here, right now,
A Hard Goodbye
“911, where is your emergency?……
The sun sets. All the good, all the bad, all the uncertainty and all the worrying that came with the day is complete. As my head lays down on the pillow I can say a soft goodbye to this day. After a few hours of sleep the sun will rise once again and a new day will dawn.
Over the past 2 shifts as a 911 dispatcher I was privy to two calls of children each having found a parent deceased and another working with my partner who took a call of another deceased person. These calls are obviously hard to take and listen “with.” You can feel the heartbreak and loss with the caller as to what is unfolding in front of them. You can feel the shroud of darkness within their voice. It is a type of call that simply will never become “easy” to take or one that, as a dispatcher, “you get used to.”
I know I will take those calls with me when I shut the door behind me at the end of the day. I will think about the caller, the victim, the loved ones left behind and how very much their lives changed in that very moment. At sunset the past few days, did they each think about their own lives and who they held close in it and realize how fast it can end? Did they have an opportunity to say a goodbye to their loved ones before their eyes closed for the last time; before they awoke to a new heavenly day?
These three lives impacted me. They came home with me. I will carry them upstairs with me tonight. They have shown me though that:
Life is short.
We are here to LIVE and live we must.
Worrying will not change the outcome.
Love with all you have.
Yesterday was lived so there is no reason to relive it.
An I love you is a precious phrase, and
Tomorrow’s are never promised so live and love with all you have.
The sun set on their lives and in a way it set even on those that loved them so deeply. It is dark for them and will be hard to see any light for a period of time. Tomorrow though the sun will peek over the horizon promising a new day as hard as it is to imagine for them. As A. A. Milne wrote from Winnie the Pooh, “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbyes so hard.”
At the right time as a dispatcher we disconnect with our callers. We do not hang up first, the original caller hangs up. There is always a goodbye. In situations such as these, they are hard goodbyes. I understand the loss. I understand the upcoming hard final goodbye.
Goodbyes though are not forever…that we are promised.
“I will let you go, but if you need anything please go ahead and call back, okay? Okay. Goodbye”. Call disconnects………
In The Eye of The Beholder
Oh my what an incredibly ugly picture. A tree that sits out in the middle of nowhere all scraggly, crooked that does not even receive the blessing of green leaves in the summer. I have watched this trees for a few years now after it caught my eye. But…to my eye this is not an ugly tree. What? I actually find this tree quite intriguing. In my eyes this tree could be a person reclining back on a lawn chair holding a favorite book feeling a light breeze coming from the lake on a sunny day. Yes…in the eyes of the beholder. This tree stands as a facet in life. Although to any eye it could be questionable to its relevance in life. This tree has set its roots down, weathered many storms, lost a limb a two and still faces storms every season. It is simply no different than I am in life.
I like to believe that as I age that life will simply settle into a smooth, calm ride. My husband and I will sit quietly each evening and watch our favorite shows (and lots of sports) and welcome our children on a regular basis into our home for family gatherings. I imagine that retirement will come together and we will travel a little more beyond my “hundred-mile bubble” and life will be simple.
We have set our roots on our little home by the lake. We have weathered a few storms in our life. Yes one of us is blessed to be retired and choose a side job that fulfills his every desire. We travel any time we choose…even if it is beyond that bubble (I just do not look). Our life can take the shape of the tree above. Those weathered storms have shaken our tree immensely and at times it seems that outside sources want to ensure it continually shakes. Our tree though is extremely strong and to those powerful pulls they do not know they do not have the power to break the main trunk. Their branch that belongs on the tree may break away and that is certainly the choice personally made. The branch may even say it was pushed or blame but in reality it is their need to take on the responsibility of the break. The branch falls and blows away if it chooses. It is sad; extremely sad. No tree likes to see itself become bare and unprotected. Breaks are mendable…even in trees. New shoots come forth with nourishment, sun, even talking like grandma always did to her plants. The outside forces though are tough to battle. They blow through howling untruth, blame, judgment, hypocrisy…twisting and twirling until it seems as if the winds are hurricane strength that no tree or branch can begin to think about recovering from. The tree tires of all the wind and elements and simply wants to settle into its roots and quietly ponder its life and let those branches go as they have so much more joy in other aspects of life. There is the focus…the little shoots that come forth. The branches that are lost and broken will be missed for they are still a part of that tree. The remaining branches will continue to be strong for the trunk at any point of weather and vice versa. New shoots will come and be welcomed with open arms. Sadness will descend upon the tree but we know the branches that remain will be the saving grace to our tree. That is where truth lies…who sits upon the branches through the sunny times and the rough snowy periods.
So the tree may be ugly on the outside but this beholder sees the love of my husband in the deep roots we have lain over the past 16 years and incredible strength we give each other through the base of the trunk of the tree. The branches are the gifts of our children and grandchildren and extended family, a little worn, missing a branch or two and it is okay. We are a strong tree blowing in the wind listening to laughter and love coming from our branches.
So for now I close my eyes and imagine the tree in a lawn chair on a sunny summer day down by the lake with a light breeze reading a book and simply smiling…our roots are settled and strong and happy with our tree; whether ugly or not. It’s all in the eye of the beholder and well I think it is incredibly beautiful.
Love your tree!
All You Need Is…Hope
This was the year. This was their time to finally take home the title “Super Bowl Champions.” I am a tried and true Vikings fan and anticipated this more and more as the season played out. I had hope. No, I truly believed they would be playing in the Super Bowl.
I have no idea what you believe the word hope means but to me it is with great anticipation that something will happen although there is no guarantee. It could be a wish, a dream. If you look in the Bible you will find that hope is translated from the Greek and Hebrew languages as an “indication of certainty.”
Hmmmm… so the Bible will take us to the certainty of one’s hoping. I read this and then think that what I am hoping for the odds are in my favor then, right? I can live with that then.
— I hope that my children will be happy every day of their lives.
— I hope that I will be rich.
— I hope that all my officers will go home safe and sound tonight.
— I hope I dance at all my grandchildren’s weddings.
— I hope my son has an awesome year racing.
–I hope…I hope…I hope… so I am expecting a high return on my hopes because the Bible says it is so through those words of certainty of one’s hoping. How awesome then if I spend my life hoping for nothing but good then for most aspects of it my life will roll along pretty smooth. Awesome!
Hold on now. My brain knows though that life does not roll this way. Those hopes do not always come true. That high school crush is not the one for my lifetime or that football game simply is not for the Vikings to win this year.
Do I or we simply stop hoping then? Not me. If I do not have hopes what do I have to look forward to? Where do I put my focus then towards in the future? I simply will continue to hope for all the good in the world for my children and grandchildren. I will always hope my guys go home safe to their families and most importantly I will hope with all my heart that I will dance at all of my grandchildren’s weddings and I will carry a little faith along with me that there is some certainty in my hope.
How Did the Story End?
I watched the Vikings play on Sunday and their ability to clinch the NFC second place seed leading to a first-round bye.
I read a good book recently and made it to the very last page knowing that Augustus had died.
I followed my son’s 2017 race season each week to when he took home the North Dakota Hobby Stock State Champion title.
I finished September’s edition of Good Housekeeping and know what the fashion styles were for the fall.
In life I get closure if I choose. There are few unanswered questions.
I took a 911 call of a man whose life was beyond despair and sought an end through hanging. Although his life ended his story did not and I do not know it. Why did he choose that route?
I spent 20 minutes on the phone with a woman who was involved in a domestic with her husband and needed law enforcement involvement. He went to jail. What has happened since? Did he get convicted? Is there an Order for Protection? Did she take him back again?
A male suffered a seizure. Is he okay? Will he suffer more?
How did those stories end?
This is a day in the 911 center…no closure, angst, anxiety, wonder and PTSD.
This is a the story’s ending for each shift of a dispatcher.
Silent Night
Ten years ago December 24 we gathered at our home following a cantata I directed at a local church. The house was filled with most of our children, my parents, my brother and a sister, significant others, nieces and nephews, and 2 grandchildren. You get the picture. It was certainly a little crazy with the house filled with much laughter and conversation. Wrapping paper strewn all over the floor and kids anticipating their next present with glee.
Move forward five years and the Christmas tradition continues at my home but looks so much different. My sisters and brother have taken their children and created their own traditions. My mother is no longer alive to celebrate one of her favorite holidays. Mike and I have added to the number of our grandchildren which now totals five. Our children have brought their significant others into our fold. Our celebration remains loud. My heart is content with the noise and chaos.
As the years have moved on we have been blessed with more grandchildren and seen our children bring new love into their lives and seen them lose in the love game. We are aging gracefully and with that we see our children doing the same within their families. They are taking on new traditions and the need to ensure that all sides of families receive time with grandparents, aunts and uncles or whoever it may be. So the silence is beginning to creep into our home more and more each year.
Silence is golden they say…but we are not yet in our “golden” years I hope?! So for now I willing or unwillingly have to find my way through the quiet of the holiday and a small gathering here and there of some family and experience the giggles of a small child opening a gift and soak in their little eyes glistening with anticipation and remember a Christmas not so long ago when the bright colored Christmas paper covered the floor and us as adults could not carry on a conversation due to the excited children playing with their newly acquired gifts.
Silent night, holy night. All is bright, all is calm…I guess I was not quite ready for the calm and silence quite so soon.
#IAM911
I have no face.
All I am is a voice.
Do you remember my voice, my concern?
I remember your voice.
I remember your scream.
I remember your sobs.
I hear a small child in the background crying as they try to understand what is unfolding in front of them.
I hear a dad swear in utter despair as his son lay lifeless.
I do not see the scene although I imagine just from the sounds.
Do you hear me as I give you instructions on how to give your loved one CPR that my voice is cracking as I try not to cry with you?
I wait with you for help to arrive although I am your first responder.
Do you know I carry your broken heart with me?
I remember your voice.
Do you remember mine?
I am 911.
Until Tomorrow…
How was your day? When the sun peeked above the horizon did it bring moans and groans that another day had to be faced; possibly work or housecleaning? Did it bring giggles of children through the house as there was no school? A new day is upon us and another day marked off the calendar for this year. It is hard to believe that it is nearing the end of September and the leaves are leaving carpets of gold and red on the ground. As the sun sets the air is more crisp. Summer has been crossed off and a new autumn is upon us. Was is not just spring…yesterday?
Mike, my husband, turns sixty years old in a week. I have kidded him for awhile now that I never imagined that I would “ever be married to a man who is sixty years old.” We laugh…of course me a little more loudly than him. It is easier to do when it is not you that is looking at that age. I am not that far behind though so I should not laugh so hardy. In my mind though I do not believe I am anywhere near forty, let alone over fifty. When did this happen? How could it be that my oldest child would be four years away from forty years of age…AND I would be married to a sixty-year-old man?
Thirty-six years ago I was rocking my oldest child thinking I had life figured out. I can still see the way the furniture was set up in the living room. I can see the changing table in his bedroom and how I laid out a towel on the bathroom counter to give him his baths when he was so tiny (who needed the funky bathtubs in today’s baby world). It is all so vivid. Nine years ago my mom died…NINE years. It was yesterday I am sure of it, or at least that is how I feel. The weeks and days before the morning she passed are engrained into my memory which is a blessing. The talks are cherished and I pray they are never forgotten. The death process was extremely difficult but I feel honored to have been present for something so moving. I remember each moment, each slow breath, each hand hold, the tearful goodbye, everything as if it was just this morning. In a week and a half we will make a second trek to Hays, KS for dirt track racing’s Fall Nationals. It was a year ago we accompanied Adam and watched him drive for a bigger dance for the first time and we talk about those races as if they were the ones we just went to last weekend.
I guess time went by a little faster than I thought it would. I do not know about others but I often rush to get to the end of my work week or anticipate next race or vacation…heck even at times can hardly wait for the next payday. It does not take a lot of science to figure out that time does not move any faster or slower no matter what. We lose sunlight and may make a day seem long but goodness it does not change the length of the year. I know as I am getting close to my middle fifties all I know is I want to slow life down. I want to slow the years of my grandchildren and keep them little and cuddly forever. Getting driver’s license and a car, becoming a ‘tween and wearing makeup, 3rd grader having already kissed a boy…whoa! My children are still babies right?
So as I look to having a spouse that is sixty in a week I have to turn and look at that sunset and realize that it will bring a new day in the exact same amount of time it took the day before. Life is moving at the same pace it always will and it is certainly acceptable to allow my brain to think it is thirty even though my body feels like it is seventh most days. My children will one day all be in their forties rather than their thirties and I will then be in my sixties and Mike will be a week away from seventy…God willing, which now pushes me to take a little more time to look at each sunset just a little closer and take in all that each one has brought to my life…good, bad, happy, and sad.
Until tomorrow….
How Can You Not Smile?
Oh my! The joy that a smile of a small child can emulate. Who can resist the chunky cheeks and a hidden dimple that now presents itself? A smile will cross each of our faces and for a moment in time the stress in our lives simply melts away. That joy in their laughter is contagious and virtually pushes out any stress and difficulty that are held within ourselves.
Working as a 911 dispatcher it often brings along extreme amounts of stress, I often search for ways to let go of the stress so I do not bring it home. There are those calls that simply attach themselves to my shoulders and climb in the car with me that even listening to Ozzy Osbourne cranked so loud that even the deer turn their heads that does not drown them out. They will sit there with me on the couch and crawl into bed with me doing their absolute best to ensure they are remembered. Our brains are wired to remember; not forget. It will work so very hard to remember even the worst memory. It is a tough battle fighting against the brain wanting to remember and I know to remember those difficult calls can be detrimental to me personally. I KNOW that I should not dwell on those calls and work through them. It is difficult though when I may face the same type of call multiple times within the month or even the same week that compounds the healing process. I have to dig deep within my bag of tools I have learned through counseling and trial and err to ensure I do not become consumed by those memories.
Those same tools need to be utilized in my day to day stressors in life. Each life comes with difficulty and so often I have to find ways to get through them, at times weeks or even months. The joy can be as if it is hidden within a word search and I have to find it in the dark. Working at a stress-filled job certainly has not made me a pro at handling tough days or periods of life or given me the ability to make good decisions such as I have to do in my job which have to be done in a manner that makes the difference between life and death. I have to take the same tools I use to work through those tough calls into my personal trials.
Through my fifty-four years of life and through my chosen path of work I have learned that life is simply too short. In life there is pain and each of us will makes mistakes that will haunt us to the very end of our lives, and at times it seems we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. The biggest lesson learned though is to take that extra moment to hear that little one laugh and memorize the dimple when they smile. Kiss the chunky cheeks and feel the stress quietly slip away for a moment. I have found the most simple joy that fills me to the deepest parts of my soul through the smiles and laughter of my grandchildren. They allow me the grace to let it all go. Tomorrow will be a new day with new stressors but for today I will smile along with them and bring the sweet memories of my own children when they were little and the wonderful joy they brought me with those same smiles and innocent giggles.
Life As I Live It 