17, 18, 19, 20. Ready or not here I come. The childhood game of Hide and Seek. Who has not played it as a child, as a parent and even as a grandparent. The giggles of the hidden as the seeker gets so close and then being so very quiet, even holding breaths so the hunter cannot find that elusive hiding spot.

A few months ago I was standing in front of the mirror and I could not see myself. The sharp defining lines that ensured my hair was just right to the assurance that my clothes were matched or tucked just right not to show too many imperfections had completely disappeared. It seemed I even lost a mask or two I wore dependent upon the day.

Who I am seems to have been lost. Is it that I am too busy and rushed? Is it that I am simply stressed? Can it be that I cannot face the fact I have aged and do not recognize the face that shows wrinkles and trying to hide the fact that I am getting older? If I look I can find the blond hair that I spend much too much time and energy on so it looks just right. I see the blue eyes of an older person that are ringed by signs of her middle age. I see a smile that her husband puts on her face every day. I see a woman standing there who has so much on her shoulders and in her heart. I blink though and I cannot see her…the lines again are blurred.

I am lost in the anger and the frustration that I allowed something so evil to enter my life through actions of antagonism, belittlement, and intimidation. I allowed another to overpower my strengths and discount me to that of a small child that sends me running to a place of hiding; a place where I attempt to feel safe. He was able to creep through and crack the lines of who I am and blur the image of myself. He may not have the face of who I envisioned Satan to be but he is just as evil; a devil in sheep’s clothing. Just as Satan hid in pretty clothing, I have hid myself. I hush myself so no one hears me. I may peek out from the corner and look and see if it is safe to come out and try to smooth the lines of the reflection of myself. I may put on a stray mask I have laying around so my demeanor is not in question. One thing though is my hair will look good and will be sure I am watching, listening. This time though I am seeking. Shhh just know…”I know more than you think. I just don’t say anything.”